What Would CB Do ?

Hey fuckers Wolf here. Now you've probably been in situations and wondered to yourself "What the fuck am I going to do now?" Well wonder no more.

So I wanted to ask everyone's favorite trash talkin, Xanex popping, high heeled, crazy brunette bitch who reeks of cabbage (Yeah you know I had to throw that in there)-I DON'T SMELL LIKE CABBAGE DAMNIT! what she would do if these situations were to happen to her.

1. CB you're at you're favorite mall. You spot THE perfect pair of shoes (insert designer label here) You try them on and they're a perfect fit, not only that they're on sale. You go to pay for them- only when you do some other bitch grabs them when you're back is turned and makes a mad dash to the counter to pay for them. What do you do CB?....what the fuck do you do?

Calm down Wolfy! I'm on it! First, I think you need a Xanex... Second, what the FUCK is wrong with this cunt? Who DOES THIS? Well, this dumb bitch has obviously lost her mind and she is fucked because my favorite ex-Army guy taught me to take a bitch down with a BIC pen and make it appear to be an accident... maybe I should wear a Warning label from now on.

2. You and Mr. CB are out on the town about to go to dinner to the finest Apple Bee's around. Everything is going great until the waitress starts to flirt with Mr. CB. And not just flirt her tits are practically shoved right in Mr. CB's face, what do you do?  

You have totally and utterly just mind fucked everyone here asshole. They all think YOU are Mr. CB... No matter how many times we tell them. Anyway, you have left out the deciding factor... is Mr. CB reciprocating the whore? If so, then he is FUCKED. He is never getting better than whats already at home and if he doesn't know that, then he will NOT like how that lesson is taught.

If she's just a slut, then let her slut it up... he's coming home with me. I'm not the jealous wife Wolfy...

3. You're in traffic off to pick up some Xanex and beer. At a red light some ass clown pulls up beside you with the top down and rockin out to some shitty music like Justin Beiber or Marky Mark. This ass licker is also singing along which sounds like a cat in heat being shoved in a meat grinder ass first. How long does it take you to snap and what do you do?

The most important things you mentioned here is that I am OUT of XANEX and BEER. I am not capable of DRIVING at this point. But, I'd eventually pop over to his drivers side window and ask if his boy-friend knew he was out or not? And if he didn't shut the fuck up I'd hunt his boyfriend down and fuck him straight.

4. You're at home on a Sunday morning the doorbell rings and two Jehovah's witnesses are at the door trying to preach their crap on you and won't take no for an answer. What do you do?

I'm a Catholic. They stay as fucking FAR as they fucking can away from my ass! If by some OFF chance they keep their shit up after I've told them that I come from the worst possible religious persuasion... then I tell them that my Dad taught me to shoot a rifle at the ripe old age of 5 and I haven't missed a mark since I was 6.

5. You and Jessica Biel have to fight it out in a kiddie pool full of jello and whip cream. Please tell me what you would do (wipes away drool thinking about it)

Take pictures.

6. You win a free vacation to go anywhere in the world for two weeks with unlimited shopping. were talking all the fucking shoes you can carry or have shipped by UPS and their free. The only catch is that you have to stay underwater in a metal cage and feed sharks out in the ocean. What would you do?

Haha bitch. Fuck you, fuck them, fuck the ocean and fuck the fucking sharks. Thanks for teasing me though asshole!

7. You're out getting groceries, while grabbing a can of industrial strength peanut butter some 70 year old bitch because she's too impatient to wait decides to ram her cart into the back of you're leg. What do you do?

Why the FUCK do I need Industrial Size peanut butter? Is there some dork convention that I am unknowingly hosting or what? Since she's 70, I'm guessing I have to smile through the pain at her old ass because it's probably my damn Grandma!

8. You have to cook something in the kitchen what do you do?

DAMNIT. Open the Windows and Turn on the fan- Notify the Fire Dept.

9. Let's fast forward a couple of years, you're children are old enough to date. One of them brings their date home for the first time. You meet them only to discovery their covered in piercings, and dressed like a vampire, not the sparkly ragging with wimpy bitch Twilight type vampires but the "I dress all in black and cut myself for attention type vampire" What do you do?

A couple of years??? What the fuck Wolf? My kids are 6 &3!!!!!! I smack him, I'd smack her and tell them to quit acting like dumbfucks!

And let's never forget that you are like 30 and I am ONLY 26. So quit trying to make me feel old goddamnit!

10. And finally you're at a movie theater enjoying a movie. Right beside you some asshole has major gas problems and keep letting stink bombs go that are so bad you can practically see a green cloud of ass mist spew from them. There are no seats to move to so because the place is full, what do you do?

I can't go to the movies for SPECIFICALLY this reason! I do not do dumbfucks with NO manners! and unfortunately there are TOO many out there to chance jail time when one of them pisses me off too badly!

That's all for now I don't want to make CB's brain hurt. The next post CB gets to find out what kind of shit I would do.

Puck Pussies vs. Rednecks

Sorry to keep you waiting fuckers, Wolf here. Now CB told me one of her favorite sports to watch is NASCAR.............fucking NASCAR are you shitting me Twinkies here. That's not a sport. Now Hockey that's a real sport, let's compare the two shall we.

1. NASCAR involves guys named Billy Bob, and Dale who drive fucking race cars. Hockey involves people actually doing something other then sitting their ass in a car seat and drive. They have to skate, check, and generally move their ass to either score a point or not get they face flattened into the boards.

2. In NASCAR they just drive in circles over... and fucking over again until you're ears are bleeding and you're ready to gouge out you're eyes with the straw from your Big Gulp, you know the kind with the little spoon at the end AND YOU USE THE SPOON END BECAUSE IT HURTS MORE. In hockey sure they go back and forth from one net to the other, but that's because their trying to score points.

3. How many fights do you see in NASCAR what one every once in awhile when Billy Bob cuts his second cousin Cletus off at the finish line so he can see his first cousin/wife Charlene, the one with almost all her teeth first? In hockey you're almost guaranteed to see a fight almost every game and 99.99 percent of the time they actually hit each other. Not some silly little sissy slaps either, FUCKING GOONS BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER BAR FIGHT STYLE.

4. And finally HOCKEY IS CANADIAN, and just like our beer, our position on the map, and our standing with other nations it fucking rocks. Sorry America you know it's true even if you don't admit it, but we still like you.............well sorta, you do leave the fridge open and you kinda stink like cabbage......maybe that's just CB? 

Okay, CB here... Now I won't claim to know much about hockey, although I did see Mighty Ducks 1,000 times when I was little. Joshua Jackson still rocks my fucking world by the way! 

Now I'm going to tear his hockey bullshit in two!

I shall address each of his points and illustrate that he is clearly blowing smoke up your asses.

1. Ooooh, they have to skate??? Everyone can SKATE fucker. Move their asses? Are you fucking JOKING me??? They hit a puck thing with a STICK! Hokey involves abunch of redneck fuckers with no fucking teeth! Not just anybody can drive at 200-220 mph around a mile long track with 41 other cars 2 inches away from their bumper! I'd like to see your ass try it!

2. Yes, they may drive in CIRCLES, they also drive so close to one another that there isn't room to slide a piece of fucking PAPER between them! That takes SKILL dickbag! And what do you think they are doing? There is a thing called THE SPRINT CUP. 42 drivers race for 26 damn weeks to make The Chase (You get so many points for how you place, for leading the most laps, for leading a lap... etc) The top 12 drivers make the Chase and the last 10 races decide who takes the Cup. Points! Fucker.

3. Fights? Are you dicking me in the ass???? And exactly how many crashes and car flips do you see in hockey? When have you ever flipped your car 12 times and LIVED to tell about it? And there are plenty of fights in Nascar. Let a driver fuck over another driver and watch that shit blow the fuck up when the race is over! Just watch a driver wreck a bastard that fucked them over... Like this for instance:

My FAVORITE incident was earlier this year was when Brad KevSLOWski fucked Edwards over because in EVERY damn race he feels it necessary to wreck SOMEONE! (TIP to you cocksucking bastard: Go back to racing in Nationwide until you can run with the big boys!) Anyway, KevSLOWski took Edwards out of the race and ended up being 100 laps down when he finally got his car fixed. (You also get points for FINISHING the race.) Edwards TAPPED the fucker when he got back on the track... TAPPED him! The Edwards decided to teach that non-driving piece of shit and give him a little TAP and KevSLOWski flipped his car like 5 times! In my opinion, IF that dumb fuck could drive, he'd have been able to keep control of his fucking car! It was a TAP for Gods sake. Then in the post race interview some asshat interviewer says to Edwards,

"Did you purposely wreck KevSLOWski?" (Well no shit Sherlock, you get a Whizzo button!)

And Edwards replied,

"Well, I didn't mean to FLIP him." (code for HELL YES I MEANT TO HIT THE BASTARD)

HAHAHAHA! Best shit EVER!

4. Well baby, I live in the heartland, and we will kick the SHIT out of your pansy ass Canada. We drink Miller sitting on tail gates and BBQ the whole damn weekend of the race. We JUST got out tickets for the NASCAR Nationwide/Sprint Cup races in KS this October. 2 tickets+Track passes= $800.00. Busch better be signing my tit!

Lesson here- NASCAR blows your Hockey shit right out of the shark and Killer whale infested water you love so damn much!

Oh, and a little side note... KYLE BUSCH (aka THE BEST DRIVER EVER...) Just swept Bristol this weekend! Won the Truck race, the Nationwide race, AND the SPRINT cup race! Bristol is a half mile track and damn near the HARDEST track to race on! FIRST driver in HISTORY to ever do it! He's 3rd in points right now bitches... Only 351 points behind Harvick who is currently 1st in points! Last year he broke the record for most laps led in a season in the Nationwide series! AND HE DID THIS AT THE RACE I WAS AT!!!!

In the Sprint Cup series, since 2004 he's led 5378 laps, won 19 races, and had 62 Top 5 finishes. So since 2004 (technically since 2005 because he only ran 6 races in 2004, just sayin'. He's finished 30% of the races he's raced in the TOP 5!

In the Nationwide series, Since 2003 (Technically since 2004 because he only ran in 7 races, just sayin' AGAIN) he's led 8729 laps, won 40 races, and had 97 top 5 finishes. Out of 193 races, he finished at least in the Top 5-97 times! So he's finished 50% of the races he's raced in the TOP 5! Yeah, fuck with me now bitch!

I don't really watch the Truck series so I don't exactly know his stats... But I bet they also KICK the SHIT out of everyone elses!

Your Movie Blows Fucker!

Okay fuckers and fuckettes The Wolf here, now who doesn't like a good movie, and not some pussy life sucking abomination that makes you want to perform a frontal lobotomy on yourself. (Oh you mean like this piece of assfuck movie?I was almost forced to gouge out my own eyeballs just to put me out of my misery!)I'm talking real movies not fucking chick flicks and other soft ass shit. Now there are lots of great movies out there such as The Good The Bad and The Ugly, or Commando(doesn't commando mean you don't wear panties? Who knew you could be so fucking cool?), but my personnel favorite is ROBOCOP (my gag reflex just kicked in!). Why Robocop you ask......because it fucking kicks ass that's why, do you honestly need another reason then that. (Quit blowing smoke up my ass, no matter how many times you SAY it... the movie still sucks balls!)

Now in case you haven't seen this gem of a movie here's the basic idea of the story (consider yourself fucking LUCKY if you've never been subjected to this eye bleeding torture). A new cop on his first day on the job (Peter Weller) who gets shot to shit by a gang of thugs led by the guy who played the grumpy dad from That 70's show. (Kurtwood Smith) With the magic of late 80's technology he's brought back as a kick ass fucking cyborg that eats baby food, and shoots the fuck out of truck loads of criminals, and a corrupt business leader of the company that brought him back to life. (God help me, I may die of sheer fucking assclown- ism.)

Is this movie cheesy, fucking eh it is, but it's got everything a good movie needs;

1. Tons of people get shot all to shit (like this makes it worth a shit)

2. Hookers and blow and corporate decay oh my (and CB shoving toothpicks under her nails for entertainment)

3. Robots and cyborgs (yes there is a difference fuckers, robots are machines, and cyborgs are half machine fuckers) (It's incredibly sad and pathetic that you can explain the difference)

4. Oh and some turd eats a huge fucking container of toxic waste and then gets hit by a car IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. (Uuuum yeah... sounds badass.)

Yeah so if you don't own this fucking classic GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND BUY IT....... (not even if I got it for free fucktard) it's pretty cheap buy the way so it's a deal. Here's a short clip in case you need more proof of this movies awesomeness.

What the shit was that???? CB here fucksticks. Holy ballsack. Kill me now!! I'd rather go to the dentist for a fucking root canal than ever see that shit again. (I'll get you some pliers CB)

I'd like to introduce everyone to one of MY favorite fucking movies of ALL time. I've seen it 5,000 times since I was 5. Think I'm kidding fuckers? I'm not. (I'm surprised you'd pick this one I thought It was going to be Debbie Does Dallas)

If you're an assbag whore that has never seen this movie, then let me school your asses. (Consider yourself lucky cause this movie is nothing but a glorified cock tease)

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark... I wanted to grow up to be just like her! I know... I came damn close right? She's a badass bitch, with a knife in her dress(it may be fake but it looks fucking awesome, a take no shit attitude who drives a classic (some kind of car, how the fuck should I know what it is?) black convertible with leopard interior and a spider web grill. Shyyyea I know... It doesn't get better than that! (It's a fucking hearse, you know what they transport dead people in to their funeral......She's you're idol and you don't know this, fuck CB you're slipping. She does have a nice rack though)She kicks the shit out of this tiny podunk town when she goes to claim her inheritance from her beloved aunt Morgana. She rocks that shit... well like-only I can. I learn from the best dickholes! By the end of the movie, she has rocked a replication of flash dance (but her's is in a black leather skin tight number) causes an orgy and the town picnic and kills her uncle after he tries to steal the family spell book. (Wait until you see how she kills the fucker!!! That's how I take fuckers out! Its down below!!) (Oh fuck me, there's only two things that are interesting about this movie and that's Elvira's T&A and no it's not talent and acting ability)

This is a goddamn necessity to see before you die. If not for yourself at least get it for the kids damnit! Think of CB while you watch it!!!! (I watched this as a kid thinking it was some sort of porn........needless to say I was disappointed do yourself a favour at the video store and leave it to collect some more fucking dust on the shelf beside such shit as Surf Ninjas and Time of the Apes)

Who Will Prevail?

Hey fucktards... CB here, I'd like to address a situation that has been the continually discussed on several blog posts throughout the blogosphere recently.

Apparently, somewhere along the way WOLF, Max and Heckle have been brain-washed and/or mind fucked into believing that THEY will be the future rulers of the world.

Ha! Well, I hate to be the barer of bad news (I know right? Call Bullshit!) But, Gnetch and I have had this shit in the bag since DAY ONE. It was our master plan months and months ago to take over the world!!!

Let's look at the facts shall we?

You have a Rebel Slut, Prom Queen and an Angry Asian chick. Too put it simply and in terms that you fucktards will understand...

You. Ain't. Got. Shit. On. Us.

No fucking way in hell people will choose a crazy, ex-amry freak, a little devil who runs around asking gorgeous Brunettes to touch his tail. (I said just the tip Max! Get off me!) and an evil fucking assbag... over TWO HOT BITCHES that can rock the shit better than anyone I know.

So, you guys are fucked harder than the Prom Queen a week before Prom trying to get votes. Oh shit, I was the Prom Queen...

Well well well if it isn’t our favourite cabbage smelling crazy chick. Wolf here everyone….. Can you honestly believe this bullshit CB and Gnetch taking over the world? Come the fuck on it’s time to take these kids to school. First off I’ve been planning world domination since I was 5.…..YEAH 5 FUCKERS, what can I say I’ve been dedicated to the cause. So this is before the two of them were in diapers, now I’ve been keeping this secret until recently because I didn’t want to let people know until it was too late.


Second who of all these fuckers has anything close to the experience and twisted imagination required to be a future world dictator leader…………YEAH ME AGAIN FUCKERS.

And third who has their very own secret volcano lair, henchmen, and sharks with fucking laser beams attacked to their fucking foreheads………………Well okay that’s Dr. Evil but he’s an ass pirate so fuck him. That guy is about as bright as a Zippo in a dark arena.

Now as for Max and Heckle I don’t know what their plans are but if CB and Gnetch are going to try some shit then I say the three of us combine our powers and kick some cabbage smelling and angry Asian ass, preferably kung-fu style with lots of explosions and really bad dubbed over dialogue.

Either way those fuckers are going down, so you might as well start addressing me now as El Presedente.

Q & A Time Fuckers

Hey assholes, CB here. Wolf and I thought it'd be an awesome idea to do a Q & A post! I know right? So I begged the resident Meatbag, aka Douchebag Delight, aka Perv Pirate. Why yes, yes I did christen him with both of those little pet names. We're cool like that. And since the asshat has so thoughtfully decided to STOP FUCKING BLOGGING you wouldn't believe the things I had to do to him how hard it was for me to get him to do this! You better be grateful fuckers!

Meatbag:

1. This question is for both of you: There are too many people talking about chipotle...what can we do about this?

Wolf : Back in the old days they used to burn fuckers to a stake for heresy, I think this would be an effective cure to this problem. We could also force them to watch Barney and freinds for 50 straight hours every time they mention the word chipotle.

CB- Like the restaurant??? What the fuck? I can't imagine Chipolte being so horrifically disgusting (I rather like it, thank you!) that the penalty would be death by a pyro maniac... I'll surely be doing a Google search on this shit later!

2. Wolf, the question is simple: Eat a bag of razor blades or fuck Betty White in the pooper?

Wolf :I would fucking destroy Betty White's pooper. Not only that I think because of her age she would probbly push back and later make me breakfast at which point I would probably opt to eat the razor blades to end the nightmares. 

(CB- making LOUD choking sounds while fucking GAGGING!)

3. To both of you: Gary Coleman was cremated. How much do you want to bet that his ashes just end up scattered in a litter box for a cat to shit in?

Wolf :You mean they havn't ?

CB- Um, do I give a shit? He was way before MY days you old fuckers! It'd be a real waste though... Bet those ashes would bring a pretty penny on Ebay!

4. To CB: What does a man have to do to REALLY impress you?

 

CB- Stand on his head with his thumb up his ass. Hey fuckers, that's talent okay???
           (Wolf- Good to see you have high standards CB!)

5. To both of you. Your dream has come true. You have been granted 5 minutes to beat the living fuck out of the person that you hate the most and a big box of bludgeoning weapons to do it with. Who are you going to destroy?

Wolf : The guy who invented reality TV that fucker needs to be taught a lession, I would soooooo love to take a sack of door knobs to that fucking tool for spawning that mind draining bullshit.

CB- First, I need NO weapons... I'm from 'the Dotte' and we don't fuck around. Second, there is no SPECIFIC person I would like to take out. I truly hate everyone equally. Now if you were to ask me when I'm stuck behind some cock sucker driving 15 miles an hour on a one lane road, in 100 degree weather and I'm about to run out of gas... My answer MAY change.

6. To both: Isn't it weird when somebody propositions to sing their favorite song directly into your anus??

Wolf : I've heard it's considered a compliment in Japan so as long as it's not country music and I'm not in some place weird..........like Kansas I'm strangly comfortable with this.

CB- Oh ha-fucking-ha asshole! You know, I was in Vancouver just the other day and this VERY thing happened to me!!!! He offered (begged really), I told him he could be my guest as long as I got to pick the song! Like I give a shit what HIS favorite song is! If he's singing to MY asshole, it's going to be something I want to hear!

7. To both: This hamburger needs something. What do you think it needs?

Wolf : Tequila

CB- Uuuuum CHEESE! I mean really. AND I want pickles, ON THE SIDE. NO fucking onions or I'll puke all over the fucking place! Oooooh, and black olives! Are there any black olives? I could totally do pasta salad too (NO GODDAMN ONIONS IN IT EITHER!) I'd also like to have a Miller Lite and when I'm done can you please light my cigarette for me and possibly get me some coconut cream pie?

Thanks fucker!

(Wolf- Fuck, you demand a lot, I think I would spit in your burger!)

8. To Wolf: We all know that CB says she loathes the word "fart" but not neccessarily the action of farting itself. Do you think it would be funnier to say fart to her or to fart in her direction?

Wolf : I think it would be funnier to cut one off while doing kung-fu moves, and at the moment I let loose yell out "fart" Mortal Kombat style then fire it off in her general direction.

(CB- Yes, that would be extremely hilarious asstard! EVEN GUEST BLOGGERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THE 'F' WORD GOD DAMNIT!) 

9. CB: Let's say that in a wild and crazy turn of events in a super duper time machine, you and I went to high school together and we also went to the prom together. We are sitting in a kick ass 1979 Ford Pinto and I'm cranking up some Air Supply music and my pants are mysteriously missing. What do you do? What DO you do?

CB- Oh god... so how old would I be now??? You left out a few extremely important details, that I must know before giving my 'final answer'. 

1. How much Vodka have I already consumed?

2. Are we dating or did you just happen to get LUCKY and I let you take me?

3. Did you buy me dinner first?

4. Have you screwed any of my friends? Or better yet... my enemies?

5. What color is the car?

Every woman will agree that all of these MUST be answered before I can give you an appropriate answer.

10. To both: When is enough enough? This could apply to damn near anything. Make it apply to something I wouldn't expect.

Wolf : Enough is enough when I have to keep telling the midgets "It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again" I mean fuck I know their short but their not fucking deaf. 

(CB is having trouble breathing... Fuuuck me, I can't top that shit. Well played fucker!)

CB- When an asshat Meatbag leaves a comment on my blog telling me I should get a cock tattooed across my jaw. I heart you fucker! 

You think we're married? Are you fucking kidding?

The Wolf, here so I’ve been looking over some of the emails and comments very carefully this last little while, and by carefully I was half assed paying attention while watching midget clown porn. The results are truly frightening…….some of you people out their THINK CB AND ME ARE A MARRIED COUPLE (Shudders uncontrollably at the thought). Are you fucking teasing me? Marrying CB would be like a sign of the impending zombie Apocalypse………………..hmmmmmm though I could feed CB to said zombies. Nah fuck that she’ll bitch too much if I do.

To make this simple let’s break this down into small bite sized chunks shall we. Here are 10 reasons why this isn't a fucking reality. 

HA! Hold on just a goddamn minute! Hey my favorite fucktards... CB here. Do you believe all this HORSE SHIT Wolf is spewing out of that ass he calls a mouth??? 

Wolf, you sooooo want to do me. Deny it all you fucking want, but WE know it's a goddamn lie... I mean everyone wants to do me, but you are reaching stalker status!

I will be addressing his 10 twat-faced reasons he'd never marry me in RED. (The fucking nerve of that rat bastard!)

First I’m Canadian living on the west coast; she’s American living in some tool shed in Kansas. So logistically this is not gonna fucking happen, and do you think honestly that the crazy bitch is going to fly up to Vancouver for a little something something…….FUCK NO. If we were married you better believe I would have to spend all my frequent flier miles to go their, I don’t even have enough to get my ass to McDonald’s down the street let alone fucking Kansas.

1. Fuck your toolshed dick! I live in a fucking palace by the sea. Okay well, maybe not a palace and maybe not by the sea. But, you know, a house and I can see some awesome wheat fields about 20 minutes south of here. You're damn right I wouldn't be flying my happy ass into Canada... You'd be moving your ex-army ass down here to the heartland baby. We'd get you a jacked up pick-up and my baby brother would teach you to put a dip in and spit in a pop can honey.

Second while I’m sure the ground turns to gold where she walks, and when she farts the clouds part and angels play violins (Oh wait that’s me) I know from experience that you women folk like to nag us men to death. Knowing her, all day I would here shit like “Fucker take out the garbage” “Hey douche bag vacuum the floor”, “Hey fuck wad give me a foot massage” and " Hey Fuck stick make me a fucking sandwich"……..yeah not gonna fucking happen. 

2. Uuuuum, did he just say the 'F' word???? Oh fuck. This is a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! Someone PLEASE tell him the rules on the 'F' word!!!!

Third she’s a crazy bitch and I’m a slightly bitter, slightly crazy ex-army guy, have you seen two rams but heads together? Multiply that shit by a thousand and that’s what would happen. It would be a battle fucking royale. There would be fucking mushroom clouds going off in Kansas in an hour. The National Guard would  have to come in to clean up the fucking mess, and CB would have to spend the rest of her days in a cage wearing a muzzle............that might not be a bad thing.

3. Ha! Bullshit fucker! Muzzle my ass... I don't think so! Not in a million fucking years! AND you'd be drinking your dinner through a goddamn STRAW for the rest of YOUR days... If you think for a minute that I'll be wiping your ass when your 85, you're fucking CRAZY!

Four, if she tried to make me a sandwich, the fucking kitchen would burn down………even if the stove was off and everything was unplugged and their wasn’t a match in the house. Not only that but the entire fucking house, garage and car/s would have a permanent coating of bubble wrap, because apparently she drives like Miss Daisy having a brain aneurysm.

4. Gotta give him that one. Even I won't try to fight that shit!

Five and this comes from a totally reliable source (I have eyes everywhere) that CB smells like cabbage.

5. Cabbage??? What the FUCK is that about? I smell like goddamn sugar plums okay??? 

Six I don't want to end up on the Jerry Springer show.

6. They wouldn't take you on the Jerry Springer show! You my fellow Foul-Mouthed Fucker are way to un-cool to grace Mr. Springer's stage!

Seven she sounds like Mickey Mouse a cat being pulled through a rubber hose.

7. You cock-sucking, dick taking, bitch assed, mother fucking PIECE OF SHIT! I DO NOT SOUND LIKE MICKEY MOUSE! I WILL KILL YOU! Oh my God. You are fucked like a whore on Friday night my friend!

Eight if she's already a fucking crazy bitch...........what in the name of Zeus' butt hole is she going to be like when that "special time of the month" rolls around. I've had much experience dealing with crazies women during this time. A few of those times I dam near didn't survive.

He's not man enough to handle my ass. On OR off the rag. 

Nine you know how couples end up dressing alike after they've been together for awhile. There is no fucking way I'm wearing a dress and heels, do you have any fucking idea how long it would take me to shave my legs. And I would totally have to, there's no way I'm going "European". Maybe that shit flies in Kansas, but not where I'm from.

Did you guys catch that???? He sooooo wants to wear a dress and heels! He was WAY to defensive and convincing in that little speech there!!! It's okay sugar, we'll get you some heels to fit those huge hairy fucking feet! Don't you worry baby. 

Ten last but not least, I would have to spend money doing things like taking her out for dinner, and I refuse to pay more then five dollars per person, per meal, per date. I mean fuck what does she think I am Donald Fucking Trump.

Well, it's obvious to me and every other woman reading this that you NEVER get laid. I like to be wined, dined and then screwed like a 17 year old in the back of a pick-up. That's how I roll... Fast and fucking awesome.

See, you retarded fucks! We could NEVER be married. He'd be buried in our backyard the second week in!  

CB & Wolf: Two Foul-Mouthed Fuckers

Alright fuck-sticks, CB here with the WOLF! (UGH! You know I hate sharing the goddamn spotlight!) We're bringing this shit from across the borders... Yeah, did I mention HE totally thinks he's soooo fucking cool because he's from Canada. Shyyea right, everyone knows that Kansas is where all the real BADASSES hang out!

I found WOLF (and I totally did find him, HE did NOT find me!) through Kelly at Psycho Carnival. Kelly has a really mean looking clown guy on his blog. You should check that shit out! The WOLF would post all these ass-baggish comments that I had to follow with something WAY more witty and exciting. Hey, that's how I roll douche-bags!

Eventually I was forced to go creep HIS blog , because by God he is way too fucking awesome to grace CB's blog FIRST!!! (Oh the shame!)

And fuck me running backward- the bastard was good. I mean fuck-ing good... ALMOST as good as the Crazy Brunette. Come on, let's be realistic and just ADMIT that nobody tops CB! Are you fucking kidding?

If you attached a cock to me... I did NOT say "insert a cock" you pervy fucks... ATTACH! You'd get HIM. I know right? I'd still have bigger balls than him, but we'll give him a pass on that one.

Hope you fucks are ready for a wild ride...

 

Hey fuckers it's The Wolf, now CB might complain because were sharing the spotlight on this blog..............well too fucking bad, suck it up princess and make me a sandwich, extra mayo, and one fucking pickle please. I am Canadian after all and we tend to use manners, were also bigger and on top so technically if this was prison you'd be my bitch.

I honestly can't remember who checked out who's blog first so I'll go with what CB said. What I do know is that we found each other through Kelly's blog (Psycho Carnival) and it was her genius idea to collaborate and create this blog.

When I went to CB's blog for the first time I wasn't sure what to expect, until I started reading. Immediately one word came to mind.....DAMM, then I stopped looking at her pic and actually read the text below, and it's fucking outstanding. This is one CRAZY FUCKING CHICK, and was immediately hooked on her wild antics and no holds barred outlook. This chick is one ballsy bitch who isn't scared to leave you in a puddle of you're own urine while you hide under a table waiting for the bad girl to stop. Needless to say her blog is fucking good, ALMOST AS FUCKING GOOD AS MINE........ALMOST.

As far as INSERTING.............errr I mean ATTACHING a cock and getting me, I prefer to think of it as us being two sides of the same coin. Let's face it that would be pretty fucked up if I were her with a dick, mind you I would look pretty good in a dress.

Remember kiddies to take some time and visit Kelly's blog, after all this blog wouldn't have happened otherwise, so pay you're respects.

So now that you're here let the good times roll..............THAT'S AN ORDER.