Q & A Time Fuckers

Hey assholes, CB here. Wolf and I thought it'd be an awesome idea to do a Q & A post! I know right? So I begged the resident Meatbag, aka Douchebag Delight, aka Perv Pirate. Why yes, yes I did christen him with both of those little pet names. We're cool like that. And since the asshat has so thoughtfully decided to STOP FUCKING BLOGGING you wouldn't believe the things I had to do to him how hard it was for me to get him to do this! You better be grateful fuckers!

Meatbag:

1. This question is for both of you: There are too many people talking about chipotle...what can we do about this?

Wolf : Back in the old days they used to burn fuckers to a stake for heresy, I think this would be an effective cure to this problem. We could also force them to watch Barney and freinds for 50 straight hours every time they mention the word chipotle.

CB- Like the restaurant??? What the fuck? I can't imagine Chipolte being so horrifically disgusting (I rather like it, thank you!) that the penalty would be death by a pyro maniac... I'll surely be doing a Google search on this shit later!

2. Wolf, the question is simple: Eat a bag of razor blades or fuck Betty White in the pooper?

Wolf :I would fucking destroy Betty White's pooper. Not only that I think because of her age she would probbly push back and later make me breakfast at which point I would probably opt to eat the razor blades to end the nightmares. 

(CB- making LOUD choking sounds while fucking GAGGING!)

3. To both of you: Gary Coleman was cremated. How much do you want to bet that his ashes just end up scattered in a litter box for a cat to shit in?

Wolf :You mean they havn't ?

CB- Um, do I give a shit? He was way before MY days you old fuckers! It'd be a real waste though... Bet those ashes would bring a pretty penny on Ebay!

4. To CB: What does a man have to do to REALLY impress you?

 

CB- Stand on his head with his thumb up his ass. Hey fuckers, that's talent okay???
           (Wolf- Good to see you have high standards CB!)

5. To both of you. Your dream has come true. You have been granted 5 minutes to beat the living fuck out of the person that you hate the most and a big box of bludgeoning weapons to do it with. Who are you going to destroy?

Wolf : The guy who invented reality TV that fucker needs to be taught a lession, I would soooooo love to take a sack of door knobs to that fucking tool for spawning that mind draining bullshit.

CB- First, I need NO weapons... I'm from 'the Dotte' and we don't fuck around. Second, there is no SPECIFIC person I would like to take out. I truly hate everyone equally. Now if you were to ask me when I'm stuck behind some cock sucker driving 15 miles an hour on a one lane road, in 100 degree weather and I'm about to run out of gas... My answer MAY change.

6. To both: Isn't it weird when somebody propositions to sing their favorite song directly into your anus??

Wolf : I've heard it's considered a compliment in Japan so as long as it's not country music and I'm not in some place weird..........like Kansas I'm strangly comfortable with this.

CB- Oh ha-fucking-ha asshole! You know, I was in Vancouver just the other day and this VERY thing happened to me!!!! He offered (begged really), I told him he could be my guest as long as I got to pick the song! Like I give a shit what HIS favorite song is! If he's singing to MY asshole, it's going to be something I want to hear!

7. To both: This hamburger needs something. What do you think it needs?

Wolf : Tequila

CB- Uuuuum CHEESE! I mean really. AND I want pickles, ON THE SIDE. NO fucking onions or I'll puke all over the fucking place! Oooooh, and black olives! Are there any black olives? I could totally do pasta salad too (NO GODDAMN ONIONS IN IT EITHER!) I'd also like to have a Miller Lite and when I'm done can you please light my cigarette for me and possibly get me some coconut cream pie?

Thanks fucker!

(Wolf- Fuck, you demand a lot, I think I would spit in your burger!)

8. To Wolf: We all know that CB says she loathes the word "fart" but not neccessarily the action of farting itself. Do you think it would be funnier to say fart to her or to fart in her direction?

Wolf : I think it would be funnier to cut one off while doing kung-fu moves, and at the moment I let loose yell out "fart" Mortal Kombat style then fire it off in her general direction.

(CB- Yes, that would be extremely hilarious asstard! EVEN GUEST BLOGGERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THE 'F' WORD GOD DAMNIT!) 

9. CB: Let's say that in a wild and crazy turn of events in a super duper time machine, you and I went to high school together and we also went to the prom together. We are sitting in a kick ass 1979 Ford Pinto and I'm cranking up some Air Supply music and my pants are mysteriously missing. What do you do? What DO you do?

CB- Oh god... so how old would I be now??? You left out a few extremely important details, that I must know before giving my 'final answer'. 

1. How much Vodka have I already consumed?

2. Are we dating or did you just happen to get LUCKY and I let you take me?

3. Did you buy me dinner first?

4. Have you screwed any of my friends? Or better yet... my enemies?

5. What color is the car?

Every woman will agree that all of these MUST be answered before I can give you an appropriate answer.

10. To both: When is enough enough? This could apply to damn near anything. Make it apply to something I wouldn't expect.

Wolf : Enough is enough when I have to keep telling the midgets "It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again" I mean fuck I know their short but their not fucking deaf. 

(CB is having trouble breathing... Fuuuck me, I can't top that shit. Well played fucker!)

CB- When an asshat Meatbag leaves a comment on my blog telling me I should get a cock tattooed across my jaw. I heart you fucker! 

You think we're married? Are you fucking kidding?

The Wolf, here so I’ve been looking over some of the emails and comments very carefully this last little while, and by carefully I was half assed paying attention while watching midget clown porn. The results are truly frightening…….some of you people out their THINK CB AND ME ARE A MARRIED COUPLE (Shudders uncontrollably at the thought). Are you fucking teasing me? Marrying CB would be like a sign of the impending zombie Apocalypse………………..hmmmmmm though I could feed CB to said zombies. Nah fuck that she’ll bitch too much if I do.

To make this simple let’s break this down into small bite sized chunks shall we. Here are 10 reasons why this isn't a fucking reality. 

HA! Hold on just a goddamn minute! Hey my favorite fucktards... CB here. Do you believe all this HORSE SHIT Wolf is spewing out of that ass he calls a mouth??? 

Wolf, you sooooo want to do me. Deny it all you fucking want, but WE know it's a goddamn lie... I mean everyone wants to do me, but you are reaching stalker status!

I will be addressing his 10 twat-faced reasons he'd never marry me in RED. (The fucking nerve of that rat bastard!)

First I’m Canadian living on the west coast; she’s American living in some tool shed in Kansas. So logistically this is not gonna fucking happen, and do you think honestly that the crazy bitch is going to fly up to Vancouver for a little something something…….FUCK NO. If we were married you better believe I would have to spend all my frequent flier miles to go their, I don’t even have enough to get my ass to McDonald’s down the street let alone fucking Kansas.

1. Fuck your toolshed dick! I live in a fucking palace by the sea. Okay well, maybe not a palace and maybe not by the sea. But, you know, a house and I can see some awesome wheat fields about 20 minutes south of here. You're damn right I wouldn't be flying my happy ass into Canada... You'd be moving your ex-army ass down here to the heartland baby. We'd get you a jacked up pick-up and my baby brother would teach you to put a dip in and spit in a pop can honey.

Second while I’m sure the ground turns to gold where she walks, and when she farts the clouds part and angels play violins (Oh wait that’s me) I know from experience that you women folk like to nag us men to death. Knowing her, all day I would here shit like “Fucker take out the garbage” “Hey douche bag vacuum the floor”, “Hey fuck wad give me a foot massage” and " Hey Fuck stick make me a fucking sandwich"……..yeah not gonna fucking happen. 

2. Uuuuum, did he just say the 'F' word???? Oh fuck. This is a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! Someone PLEASE tell him the rules on the 'F' word!!!!

Third she’s a crazy bitch and I’m a slightly bitter, slightly crazy ex-army guy, have you seen two rams but heads together? Multiply that shit by a thousand and that’s what would happen. It would be a battle fucking royale. There would be fucking mushroom clouds going off in Kansas in an hour. The National Guard would  have to come in to clean up the fucking mess, and CB would have to spend the rest of her days in a cage wearing a muzzle............that might not be a bad thing.

3. Ha! Bullshit fucker! Muzzle my ass... I don't think so! Not in a million fucking years! AND you'd be drinking your dinner through a goddamn STRAW for the rest of YOUR days... If you think for a minute that I'll be wiping your ass when your 85, you're fucking CRAZY!

Four, if she tried to make me a sandwich, the fucking kitchen would burn down………even if the stove was off and everything was unplugged and their wasn’t a match in the house. Not only that but the entire fucking house, garage and car/s would have a permanent coating of bubble wrap, because apparently she drives like Miss Daisy having a brain aneurysm.

4. Gotta give him that one. Even I won't try to fight that shit!

Five and this comes from a totally reliable source (I have eyes everywhere) that CB smells like cabbage.

5. Cabbage??? What the FUCK is that about? I smell like goddamn sugar plums okay??? 

Six I don't want to end up on the Jerry Springer show.

6. They wouldn't take you on the Jerry Springer show! You my fellow Foul-Mouthed Fucker are way to un-cool to grace Mr. Springer's stage!

Seven she sounds like Mickey Mouse a cat being pulled through a rubber hose.

7. You cock-sucking, dick taking, bitch assed, mother fucking PIECE OF SHIT! I DO NOT SOUND LIKE MICKEY MOUSE! I WILL KILL YOU! Oh my God. You are fucked like a whore on Friday night my friend!

Eight if she's already a fucking crazy bitch...........what in the name of Zeus' butt hole is she going to be like when that "special time of the month" rolls around. I've had much experience dealing with crazies women during this time. A few of those times I dam near didn't survive.

He's not man enough to handle my ass. On OR off the rag. 

Nine you know how couples end up dressing alike after they've been together for awhile. There is no fucking way I'm wearing a dress and heels, do you have any fucking idea how long it would take me to shave my legs. And I would totally have to, there's no way I'm going "European". Maybe that shit flies in Kansas, but not where I'm from.

Did you guys catch that???? He sooooo wants to wear a dress and heels! He was WAY to defensive and convincing in that little speech there!!! It's okay sugar, we'll get you some heels to fit those huge hairy fucking feet! Don't you worry baby. 

Ten last but not least, I would have to spend money doing things like taking her out for dinner, and I refuse to pay more then five dollars per person, per meal, per date. I mean fuck what does she think I am Donald Fucking Trump.

Well, it's obvious to me and every other woman reading this that you NEVER get laid. I like to be wined, dined and then screwed like a 17 year old in the back of a pick-up. That's how I roll... Fast and fucking awesome.

See, you retarded fucks! We could NEVER be married. He'd be buried in our backyard the second week in!  

CB & Wolf: Two Foul-Mouthed Fuckers

Alright fuck-sticks, CB here with the WOLF! (UGH! You know I hate sharing the goddamn spotlight!) We're bringing this shit from across the borders... Yeah, did I mention HE totally thinks he's soooo fucking cool because he's from Canada. Shyyea right, everyone knows that Kansas is where all the real BADASSES hang out!

I found WOLF (and I totally did find him, HE did NOT find me!) through Kelly at Psycho Carnival. Kelly has a really mean looking clown guy on his blog. You should check that shit out! The WOLF would post all these ass-baggish comments that I had to follow with something WAY more witty and exciting. Hey, that's how I roll douche-bags!

Eventually I was forced to go creep HIS blog , because by God he is way too fucking awesome to grace CB's blog FIRST!!! (Oh the shame!)

And fuck me running backward- the bastard was good. I mean fuck-ing good... ALMOST as good as the Crazy Brunette. Come on, let's be realistic and just ADMIT that nobody tops CB! Are you fucking kidding?

If you attached a cock to me... I did NOT say "insert a cock" you pervy fucks... ATTACH! You'd get HIM. I know right? I'd still have bigger balls than him, but we'll give him a pass on that one.

Hope you fucks are ready for a wild ride...

 

Hey fuckers it's The Wolf, now CB might complain because were sharing the spotlight on this blog..............well too fucking bad, suck it up princess and make me a sandwich, extra mayo, and one fucking pickle please. I am Canadian after all and we tend to use manners, were also bigger and on top so technically if this was prison you'd be my bitch.

I honestly can't remember who checked out who's blog first so I'll go with what CB said. What I do know is that we found each other through Kelly's blog (Psycho Carnival) and it was her genius idea to collaborate and create this blog.

When I went to CB's blog for the first time I wasn't sure what to expect, until I started reading. Immediately one word came to mind.....DAMM, then I stopped looking at her pic and actually read the text below, and it's fucking outstanding. This is one CRAZY FUCKING CHICK, and was immediately hooked on her wild antics and no holds barred outlook. This chick is one ballsy bitch who isn't scared to leave you in a puddle of you're own urine while you hide under a table waiting for the bad girl to stop. Needless to say her blog is fucking good, ALMOST AS FUCKING GOOD AS MINE........ALMOST.

As far as INSERTING.............errr I mean ATTACHING a cock and getting me, I prefer to think of it as us being two sides of the same coin. Let's face it that would be pretty fucked up if I were her with a dick, mind you I would look pretty good in a dress.

Remember kiddies to take some time and visit Kelly's blog, after all this blog wouldn't have happened otherwise, so pay you're respects.

So now that you're here let the good times roll..............THAT'S AN ORDER.