Puck Pussies vs. Rednecks

Sorry to keep you waiting fuckers, Wolf here. Now CB told me one of her favorite sports to watch is NASCAR.............fucking NASCAR are you shitting me Twinkies here. That's not a sport. Now Hockey that's a real sport, let's compare the two shall we.

1. NASCAR involves guys named Billy Bob, and Dale who drive fucking race cars. Hockey involves people actually doing something other then sitting their ass in a car seat and drive. They have to skate, check, and generally move their ass to either score a point or not get they face flattened into the boards.

2. In NASCAR they just drive in circles over... and fucking over again until you're ears are bleeding and you're ready to gouge out you're eyes with the straw from your Big Gulp, you know the kind with the little spoon at the end AND YOU USE THE SPOON END BECAUSE IT HURTS MORE. In hockey sure they go back and forth from one net to the other, but that's because their trying to score points.

3. How many fights do you see in NASCAR what one every once in awhile when Billy Bob cuts his second cousin Cletus off at the finish line so he can see his first cousin/wife Charlene, the one with almost all her teeth first? In hockey you're almost guaranteed to see a fight almost every game and 99.99 percent of the time they actually hit each other. Not some silly little sissy slaps either, FUCKING GOONS BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER BAR FIGHT STYLE.

4. And finally HOCKEY IS CANADIAN, and just like our beer, our position on the map, and our standing with other nations it fucking rocks. Sorry America you know it's true even if you don't admit it, but we still like you.............well sorta, you do leave the fridge open and you kinda stink like cabbage......maybe that's just CB? 

Okay, CB here... Now I won't claim to know much about hockey, although I did see Mighty Ducks 1,000 times when I was little. Joshua Jackson still rocks my fucking world by the way! 

Now I'm going to tear his hockey bullshit in two!

I shall address each of his points and illustrate that he is clearly blowing smoke up your asses.

1. Ooooh, they have to skate??? Everyone can SKATE fucker. Move their asses? Are you fucking JOKING me??? They hit a puck thing with a STICK! Hokey involves abunch of redneck fuckers with no fucking teeth! Not just anybody can drive at 200-220 mph around a mile long track with 41 other cars 2 inches away from their bumper! I'd like to see your ass try it!

2. Yes, they may drive in CIRCLES, they also drive so close to one another that there isn't room to slide a piece of fucking PAPER between them! That takes SKILL dickbag! And what do you think they are doing? There is a thing called THE SPRINT CUP. 42 drivers race for 26 damn weeks to make The Chase (You get so many points for how you place, for leading the most laps, for leading a lap... etc) The top 12 drivers make the Chase and the last 10 races decide who takes the Cup. Points! Fucker.

3. Fights? Are you dicking me in the ass???? And exactly how many crashes and car flips do you see in hockey? When have you ever flipped your car 12 times and LIVED to tell about it? And there are plenty of fights in Nascar. Let a driver fuck over another driver and watch that shit blow the fuck up when the race is over! Just watch a driver wreck a bastard that fucked them over... Like this for instance:

My FAVORITE incident was earlier this year was when Brad KevSLOWski fucked Edwards over because in EVERY damn race he feels it necessary to wreck SOMEONE! (TIP to you cocksucking bastard: Go back to racing in Nationwide until you can run with the big boys!) Anyway, KevSLOWski took Edwards out of the race and ended up being 100 laps down when he finally got his car fixed. (You also get points for FINISHING the race.) Edwards TAPPED the fucker when he got back on the track... TAPPED him! The Edwards decided to teach that non-driving piece of shit and give him a little TAP and KevSLOWski flipped his car like 5 times! In my opinion, IF that dumb fuck could drive, he'd have been able to keep control of his fucking car! It was a TAP for Gods sake. Then in the post race interview some asshat interviewer says to Edwards,

"Did you purposely wreck KevSLOWski?" (Well no shit Sherlock, you get a Whizzo button!)

And Edwards replied,

"Well, I didn't mean to FLIP him." (code for HELL YES I MEANT TO HIT THE BASTARD)


4. Well baby, I live in the heartland, and we will kick the SHIT out of your pansy ass Canada. We drink Miller sitting on tail gates and BBQ the whole damn weekend of the race. We JUST got out tickets for the NASCAR Nationwide/Sprint Cup races in KS this October. 2 tickets+Track passes= $800.00. Busch better be signing my tit!

Lesson here- NASCAR blows your Hockey shit right out of the shark and Killer whale infested water you love so damn much!

Oh, and a little side note... KYLE BUSCH (aka THE BEST DRIVER EVER...) Just swept Bristol this weekend! Won the Truck race, the Nationwide race, AND the SPRINT cup race! Bristol is a half mile track and damn near the HARDEST track to race on! FIRST driver in HISTORY to ever do it! He's 3rd in points right now bitches... Only 351 points behind Harvick who is currently 1st in points! Last year he broke the record for most laps led in a season in the Nationwide series! AND HE DID THIS AT THE RACE I WAS AT!!!!

In the Sprint Cup series, since 2004 he's led 5378 laps, won 19 races, and had 62 Top 5 finishes. So since 2004 (technically since 2005 because he only ran 6 races in 2004, just sayin'. He's finished 30% of the races he's raced in the TOP 5!

In the Nationwide series, Since 2003 (Technically since 2004 because he only ran in 7 races, just sayin' AGAIN) he's led 8729 laps, won 40 races, and had 97 top 5 finishes. Out of 193 races, he finished at least in the Top 5-97 times! So he's finished 50% of the races he's raced in the TOP 5! Yeah, fuck with me now bitch!

I don't really watch the Truck series so I don't exactly know his stats... But I bet they also KICK the SHIT out of everyone elses!