Puck Pussies vs. Rednecks

Sorry to keep you waiting fuckers, Wolf here. Now CB told me one of her favorite sports to watch is NASCAR.............fucking NASCAR are you shitting me Twinkies here. That's not a sport. Now Hockey that's a real sport, let's compare the two shall we.

1. NASCAR involves guys named Billy Bob, and Dale who drive fucking race cars. Hockey involves people actually doing something other then sitting their ass in a car seat and drive. They have to skate, check, and generally move their ass to either score a point or not get they face flattened into the boards.

2. In NASCAR they just drive in circles over... and fucking over again until you're ears are bleeding and you're ready to gouge out you're eyes with the straw from your Big Gulp, you know the kind with the little spoon at the end AND YOU USE THE SPOON END BECAUSE IT HURTS MORE. In hockey sure they go back and forth from one net to the other, but that's because their trying to score points.

3. How many fights do you see in NASCAR what one every once in awhile when Billy Bob cuts his second cousin Cletus off at the finish line so he can see his first cousin/wife Charlene, the one with almost all her teeth first? In hockey you're almost guaranteed to see a fight almost every game and 99.99 percent of the time they actually hit each other. Not some silly little sissy slaps either, FUCKING GOONS BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER BAR FIGHT STYLE.

4. And finally HOCKEY IS CANADIAN, and just like our beer, our position on the map, and our standing with other nations it fucking rocks. Sorry America you know it's true even if you don't admit it, but we still like you.............well sorta, you do leave the fridge open and you kinda stink like cabbage......maybe that's just CB? 

Okay, CB here... Now I won't claim to know much about hockey, although I did see Mighty Ducks 1,000 times when I was little. Joshua Jackson still rocks my fucking world by the way! 

Now I'm going to tear his hockey bullshit in two!

I shall address each of his points and illustrate that he is clearly blowing smoke up your asses.

1. Ooooh, they have to skate??? Everyone can SKATE fucker. Move their asses? Are you fucking JOKING me??? They hit a puck thing with a STICK! Hokey involves abunch of redneck fuckers with no fucking teeth! Not just anybody can drive at 200-220 mph around a mile long track with 41 other cars 2 inches away from their bumper! I'd like to see your ass try it!

2. Yes, they may drive in CIRCLES, they also drive so close to one another that there isn't room to slide a piece of fucking PAPER between them! That takes SKILL dickbag! And what do you think they are doing? There is a thing called THE SPRINT CUP. 42 drivers race for 26 damn weeks to make The Chase (You get so many points for how you place, for leading the most laps, for leading a lap... etc) The top 12 drivers make the Chase and the last 10 races decide who takes the Cup. Points! Fucker.

3. Fights? Are you dicking me in the ass???? And exactly how many crashes and car flips do you see in hockey? When have you ever flipped your car 12 times and LIVED to tell about it? And there are plenty of fights in Nascar. Let a driver fuck over another driver and watch that shit blow the fuck up when the race is over! Just watch a driver wreck a bastard that fucked them over... Like this for instance:

My FAVORITE incident was earlier this year was when Brad KevSLOWski fucked Edwards over because in EVERY damn race he feels it necessary to wreck SOMEONE! (TIP to you cocksucking bastard: Go back to racing in Nationwide until you can run with the big boys!) Anyway, KevSLOWski took Edwards out of the race and ended up being 100 laps down when he finally got his car fixed. (You also get points for FINISHING the race.) Edwards TAPPED the fucker when he got back on the track... TAPPED him! The Edwards decided to teach that non-driving piece of shit and give him a little TAP and KevSLOWski flipped his car like 5 times! In my opinion, IF that dumb fuck could drive, he'd have been able to keep control of his fucking car! It was a TAP for Gods sake. Then in the post race interview some asshat interviewer says to Edwards,

"Did you purposely wreck KevSLOWski?" (Well no shit Sherlock, you get a Whizzo button!)

And Edwards replied,

"Well, I didn't mean to FLIP him." (code for HELL YES I MEANT TO HIT THE BASTARD)


4. Well baby, I live in the heartland, and we will kick the SHIT out of your pansy ass Canada. We drink Miller sitting on tail gates and BBQ the whole damn weekend of the race. We JUST got out tickets for the NASCAR Nationwide/Sprint Cup races in KS this October. 2 tickets+Track passes= $800.00. Busch better be signing my tit!

Lesson here- NASCAR blows your Hockey shit right out of the shark and Killer whale infested water you love so damn much!

Oh, and a little side note... KYLE BUSCH (aka THE BEST DRIVER EVER...) Just swept Bristol this weekend! Won the Truck race, the Nationwide race, AND the SPRINT cup race! Bristol is a half mile track and damn near the HARDEST track to race on! FIRST driver in HISTORY to ever do it! He's 3rd in points right now bitches... Only 351 points behind Harvick who is currently 1st in points! Last year he broke the record for most laps led in a season in the Nationwide series! AND HE DID THIS AT THE RACE I WAS AT!!!!

In the Sprint Cup series, since 2004 he's led 5378 laps, won 19 races, and had 62 Top 5 finishes. So since 2004 (technically since 2005 because he only ran 6 races in 2004, just sayin'. He's finished 30% of the races he's raced in the TOP 5!

In the Nationwide series, Since 2003 (Technically since 2004 because he only ran in 7 races, just sayin' AGAIN) he's led 8729 laps, won 40 races, and had 97 top 5 finishes. Out of 193 races, he finished at least in the Top 5-97 times! So he's finished 50% of the races he's raced in the TOP 5! Yeah, fuck with me now bitch!

I don't really watch the Truck series so I don't exactly know his stats... But I bet they also KICK the SHIT out of everyone elses!


  1. I think I will stay with the NFL.

  2. I have a ton of respect for the driving skills of the NASCAR guys, but holy shit, it's almost as boring as golf! And it's not a real sport if an internal combustion engine does the athletic part. Hockey is a sport. They are great athletes, but how does anyone take it seriously? It's like someone was watching soccer drunk and thought "this would be awesome if they had to do it on skates!"'

  3. Sorry CB, you know I have to side with The Wolf on this one. The only thing NASCAR is good for is curing insomnia.

    Let's see you put on some skates and A) skate around with people trying to knock you into next week and B) shoot a puck while skating, on actual skates, with someone trying to knock you into next week.

    If hockey players don't have teeth, it's because someone knocked them the fuck out, not because they don't have enough toothbrushes to go around. Hockey players get their feet broken and their nose mashed off of their face, but the tape up, shoot up, lace'em up, and get right back out there so they don't let down their team. Racing teams flip out if one of their teammates gets in their way, for cryin' out loud.

    The conditioning to be a hockey player is insane. You'll never see a 300 lb hockey player because they work that shit off. What do drivers have to do? Sit on their ass and try not to lean too far to the right when they turn left.

    I know you don't have anything like this in Kansas, but out here in Baltimore, we have things called "freeways", upon which you often find "traffic." You want to see cars racing 4 abreast with barely room for a piece of paper between them? Show up on I-695 at rush hour.

    Hockey players don't decide to go down to the minor leagues and play, just so they can dominate the young players. Isn't that what they do with the Nationwide series? Don't pros like Carl Edwards run in the "lesser" races every week? Reminds me of seeing Kramer take tae kwan do lessons with the children. Real "sporting", huh?

    So, sorry CB, if this was a contest about sexy, you win hands down. But hockey vs racing? That's no contest.

  4. Grown men figure skate, and that is a sport? Like grown men??? Grown ups? for real?? On purpose? Do they were those frilly panties like the rest of the pansy assed figure skaters? Do they wear tampons too? Do they have women twirl them around too? What is this Hukcy stuff he is talking about?

    Let Big Pappi break this shit down. If you can't get killed doing it it ain't a sport its a fucking game, like checkers, or soccer, or some of that football where they don't need pads because there is no chance of being hit by a real man Rugrat I think its called. IF YOU CANT GET KILLED DOING IT IT IS A GAME. Huckey is like golf on skates right?

    There are currently 5 sports


    Bull riding



    and poker

    I know some pansies are going to say you can't get killed playing poker, they obviously aren't man enough to play in my home game. Those fuckers will cut a bitch.

    There ya go.

    Big sexy is in and out.

    Phhhhtttttt figure skating a sport. bwhahahahaha next y'all will be voting for Democrats.

  5. I love hockey but only if I am at the game and know someone personally who is on the team. Um,...Wolf, is Canada still a country. Really?

    CB. Say it isn't so. Nascar? Oh hell no! I hate to ask, but someone has to. Do you still have all your teeth? Are you married to your cousin? Am I serving and protecting a "Deliverence" kind of girl? Crap. Wolf, if you weren't from the fictitious country of Canada, I would have considered joining team Wolf in the quest for world dominance. I am so confused?

  6. Oh, btw CB - Nascar is nothing. Try a drive thru Chicago during rush hour.

  7. GASP! I am SHOCKED, APPALLED and utterly OFFENDED that you assholes don't agree with me(except Sage of course)

    People are supposed to just go along with whatever I say... Grrrr

    BLUZ- You are in TROUBLE forever!

  8. Awwww is da widdle princess upset....BOO FUCKING HOO.........I mean I'm sorry to hear that CB ;)

    Middle Child, we Canadians arn't all smiles and sunshine. We will never be the 51st state, probably not the 52nd either. 53 is a good solid number though

    Bluz don't worry about CB getting mad, she just huffs and puffs and throws her expensive shoes around.........then she sobs uncontrollably becuase she just realized she smells like cabbage

    Now Sage on the other hand....
    By the way people have died playing hockey so if that makes it a sport in you're eyes then it's more then qualified

  9. I DO NOT CRY dick nose!!!! And I wouldn't throw my expensive shoes around!!! Who the fuck are you kidding???

    The Princess is NOT upset (and you know it just turns me on when you call me that, and therefore you DO!) and SHE DOES NOT FUCKING SMELL LIKE CABBAGE DAMNIT!

    Sage is RIGHT, as usual and NASCAR is soooooo much MORE awesome than retards skating around trying to hit a puck! So there!

  10. Dick nose........you just say that becuase I know you want me princess

  11. God... Am I that transparent??? And I thought I hid that with veiled insults and a shitty attitude!

  12. CB you're as transparent to me as a glass window

  13. OH PLEASE! You just WISH my clothes were transparent... KEEP the two straight fucker!

  14. NASCAR Rocks, but we watch hockey movies, sometimes. Edwards was born and raised here in Boone County (BoCoMo). He's an awesome dude. My kid made a couple local commercials with him. He holds fundraisers for people all the time. His little brother is even cool.

    I don't agree he tapped BK, the moron started to drop down and Carl tried to get out of the way.

    Wolf needs to read the Physics of Nascar. Then he might begin to understand the intricacies of racing.

  15. CityMom2 you do bring up a good point about the physics or racing. But for me racing is formula 1 or rally racing. Formula 1 cars are essentialy an upside down wing becuase the speed generated by the cars is faster then a fighter jet on take at full throttle. And rally requires the cars to be extremly fine tuned to withstand everything from dust storms to bullets from being shot at which has happened in the Dakar rally when rebels would shoot at the cars to try to capture them.

    What bothers me about NASCAR is that yes it's fast, yes it does require a level of skill....but they just drive in a fucking circle over and over again. It's like giant fucking hampsters on a wheel

  16. Wolfy- YOUR a giant hamster on a wheel damnit! Sooooo.... THERE! I win!