Hey fuckers Wolf here. Now you've probably been in situations and wondered to yourself "What the fuck am I going to do now?" Well wonder no more.
So I wanted to ask everyone's favorite trash talkin, Xanex popping, high heeled, crazy brunette bitch who reeks of cabbage (Yeah you know I had to throw that in there)-I DON'T SMELL LIKE CABBAGE DAMNIT! what she would do if these situations were to happen to her.
1. CB you're at you're favorite mall. You spot THE perfect pair of shoes (insert designer label here) You try them on and they're a perfect fit, not only that they're on sale. You go to pay for them- only when you do some other bitch grabs them when you're back is turned and makes a mad dash to the counter to pay for them. What do you do CB?....what the fuck do you do?
Calm down Wolfy! I'm on it! First, I think you need a Xanex... Second, what the FUCK is wrong with this cunt? Who DOES THIS? Well, this dumb bitch has obviously lost her mind and she is fucked because my favorite ex-Army guy taught me to take a bitch down with a BIC pen and make it appear to be an accident... maybe I should wear a Warning label from now on.
2. You and Mr. CB are out on the town about to go to dinner to the finest Apple Bee's around. Everything is going great until the waitress starts to flirt with Mr. CB. And not just flirt her tits are practically shoved right in Mr. CB's face, what do you do?
You have totally and utterly just mind fucked everyone here asshole. They all think YOU are Mr. CB... No matter how many times we tell them. Anyway, you have left out the deciding factor... is Mr. CB reciprocating the whore? If so, then he is FUCKED. He is never getting better than whats already at home and if he doesn't know that, then he will NOT like how that lesson is taught.
If she's just a slut, then let her slut it up... he's coming home with me. I'm not the jealous wife Wolfy...
3. You're in traffic off to pick up some Xanex and beer. At a red light some ass clown pulls up beside you with the top down and rockin out to some shitty music like Justin Beiber or Marky Mark. This ass licker is also singing along which sounds like a cat in heat being shoved in a meat grinder ass first. How long does it take you to snap and what do you do?
The most important things you mentioned here is that I am OUT of XANEX and BEER. I am not capable of DRIVING at this point. But, I'd eventually pop over to his drivers side window and ask if his boy-friend knew he was out or not? And if he didn't shut the fuck up I'd hunt his boyfriend down and fuck him straight.
4. You're at home on a Sunday morning the doorbell rings and two Jehovah's witnesses are at the door trying to preach their crap on you and won't take no for an answer. What do you do?
I'm a Catholic. They stay as fucking FAR as they fucking can away from my ass! If by some OFF chance they keep their shit up after I've told them that I come from the worst possible religious persuasion... then I tell them that my Dad taught me to shoot a rifle at the ripe old age of 5 and I haven't missed a mark since I was 6.
5. You and Jessica Biel have to fight it out in a kiddie pool full of jello and whip cream. Please tell me what you would do (wipes away drool thinking about it)
6. You win a free vacation to go anywhere in the world for two weeks with unlimited shopping. were talking all the fucking shoes you can carry or have shipped by UPS and their free. The only catch is that you have to stay underwater in a metal cage and feed sharks out in the ocean. What would you do?
Haha bitch. Fuck you, fuck them, fuck the ocean and fuck the fucking sharks. Thanks for teasing me though asshole!
7. You're out getting groceries, while grabbing a can of industrial strength peanut butter some 70 year old bitch because she's too impatient to wait decides to ram her cart into the back of you're leg. What do you do?
Why the FUCK do I need Industrial Size peanut butter? Is there some dork convention that I am unknowingly hosting or what? Since she's 70, I'm guessing I have to smile through the pain at her old ass because it's probably my damn Grandma!
8. You have to cook something in the kitchen what do you do?
DAMNIT. Open the Windows and Turn on the fan- Notify the Fire Dept.
9. Let's fast forward a couple of years, you're children are old enough to date. One of them brings their date home for the first time. You meet them only to discovery their covered in piercings, and dressed like a vampire, not the sparkly ragging with wimpy bitch Twilight type vampires but the "I dress all in black and cut myself for attention type vampire" What do you do?
A couple of years??? What the fuck Wolf? My kids are 6 &3!!!!!! I smack him, I'd smack her and tell them to quit acting like dumbfucks!
And let's never forget that you are like 30 and I am ONLY 26. So quit trying to make me feel old goddamnit!
10. And finally you're at a movie theater enjoying a movie. Right beside you some asshole has major gas problems and keep letting stink bombs go that are so bad you can practically see a green cloud of ass mist spew from them. There are no seats to move to so because the place is full, what do you do?
I can't go to the movies for SPECIFICALLY this reason! I do not do dumbfucks with NO manners! and unfortunately there are TOO many out there to chance jail time when one of them pisses me off too badly!
That's all for now I don't want to make CB's brain hurt. The next post CB gets to find out what kind of shit I would do.