6/16/2010

You think we're married? Are you fucking kidding?

The Wolf, here so I’ve been looking over some of the emails and comments very carefully this last little while, and by carefully I was half assed paying attention while watching midget clown porn. The results are truly frightening…….some of you people out their THINK CB AND ME ARE A MARRIED COUPLE (Shudders uncontrollably at the thought). Are you fucking teasing me? Marrying CB would be like a sign of the impending zombie Apocalypse………………..hmmmmmm though I could feed CB to said zombies. Nah fuck that she’ll bitch too much if I do.

To make this simple let’s break this down into small bite sized chunks shall we. Here are 10 reasons why this isn't a fucking reality. 

HA! Hold on just a goddamn minute! Hey my favorite fucktards... CB here. Do you believe all this HORSE SHIT Wolf is spewing out of that ass he calls a mouth??? 

Wolf, you sooooo want to do me. Deny it all you fucking want, but WE know it's a goddamn lie... I mean everyone wants to do me, but you are reaching stalker status!

I will be addressing his 10 twat-faced reasons he'd never marry me in RED. (The fucking nerve of that rat bastard!)

First I’m Canadian living on the west coast; she’s American living in some tool shed in Kansas. So logistically this is not gonna fucking happen, and do you think honestly that the crazy bitch is going to fly up to Vancouver for a little something something…….FUCK NO. If we were married you better believe I would have to spend all my frequent flier miles to go their, I don’t even have enough to get my ass to McDonald’s down the street let alone fucking Kansas.
1. Fuck your toolshed dick! I live in a fucking palace by the sea. Okay well, maybe not a palace and maybe not by the sea. But, you know, a house and I can see some awesome wheat fields about 20 minutes south of here. You're damn right I wouldn't be flying my happy ass into Canada... You'd be moving your ex-army ass down here to the heartland baby. We'd get you a jacked up pick-up and my baby brother would teach you to put a dip in and spit in a pop can honey.

Second while I’m sure the ground turns to gold where she walks, and when she farts the clouds part and angels play violins (Oh wait that’s me) I know from experience that you women folk like to nag us men to death. Knowing her, all day I would here shit like “Fucker take out the garbage” “Hey douche bag vacuum the floor”, “Hey fuck wad give me a foot massage” and " Hey Fuck stick make me a fucking sandwich"……..yeah not gonna fucking happen. 
2. Uuuuum, did he just say the 'F' word???? Oh fuck. This is a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! Someone PLEASE tell him the rules on the 'F' word!!!!

Third she’s a crazy bitch and I’m a slightly bitter, slightly crazy ex-army guy, have you seen two rams but heads together? Multiply that shit by a thousand and that’s what would happen. It would be a battle fucking royale. There would be fucking mushroom clouds going off in Kansas in an hour. The National Guard would  have to come in to clean up the fucking mess, and CB would have to spend the rest of her days in a cage wearing a muzzle............that might not be a bad thing.
3. Ha! Bullshit fucker! Muzzle my ass... I don't think so! Not in a million fucking years! AND you'd be drinking your dinner through a goddamn STRAW for the rest of YOUR days... If you think for a minute that I'll be wiping your ass when your 85, you're fucking CRAZY!

Four, if she tried to make me a sandwich, the fucking kitchen would burn down………even if the stove was off and everything was unplugged and their wasn’t a match in the house. Not only that but the entire fucking house, garage and car/s would have a permanent coating of bubble wrap, because apparently she drives like Miss Daisy having a brain aneurysm.
4. Gotta give him that one. Even I won't try to fight that shit!

Five and this comes from a totally reliable source (I have eyes everywhere) that CB smells like cabbage.
5. Cabbage??? What the FUCK is that about? I smell like goddamn sugar plums okay??? 

Six I don't want to end up on the Jerry Springer show.
6. They wouldn't take you on the Jerry Springer show! You my fellow Foul-Mouthed Fucker are way to un-cool to grace Mr. Springer's stage!

Seven she sounds like Mickey Mouse a cat being pulled through a rubber hose.
7. You cock-sucking, dick taking, bitch assed, mother fucking PIECE OF SHIT! I DO NOT SOUND LIKE MICKEY MOUSE! I WILL KILL YOU! Oh my God. You are fucked like a whore on Friday night my friend!

Eight if she's already a fucking crazy bitch...........what in the name of Zeus' butt hole is she going to be like when that "special time of the month" rolls around. I've had much experience dealing with crazies women during this time. A few of those times I dam near didn't survive.
He's not man enough to handle my ass. On OR off the rag. 

Nine you know how couples end up dressing alike after they've been together for awhile. There is no fucking way I'm wearing a dress and heels, do you have any fucking idea how long it would take me to shave my legs. And I would totally have to, there's no way I'm going "European". Maybe that shit flies in Kansas, but not where I'm from.
Did you guys catch that???? He sooooo wants to wear a dress and heels! He was WAY to defensive and convincing in that little speech there!!! It's okay sugar, we'll get you some heels to fit those huge hairy fucking feet! Don't you worry baby. 

Ten last but not least, I would have to spend money doing things like taking her out for dinner, and I refuse to pay more then five dollars per person, per meal, per date. I mean fuck what does she think I am Donald Fucking Trump.
Well, it's obvious to me and every other woman reading this that you NEVER get laid. I like to be wined, dined and then screwed like a 17 year old in the back of a pick-up. That's how I roll... Fast and fucking awesome.

See, you retarded fucks! We could NEVER be married. He'd be buried in our backyard the second week in!  

23 comments:

  1. yea, i can see how you two being married would be nothing short of a jerry springer show.

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  2. Imagine: If you two are married and I'm your daughter... That would be a fucking apocalypse!

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  3. Stacie- Ha!!! LMAO! He's waaay not cool enough for the Springer Show!

    Gnetch- Hey bitch you were born before me!!! It'd be a bit difficult I'd say!!! But DEFINITELY the Apocalypse!WOLF could totally help us in the quest for domination of the world!

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  4. Haha. Yeah. I kinda remembered that *after* I hit the "post comment" button. I thought I was 10 years old. Damnit!!!

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  5. Oh hell no Wolf! You did not go and use the "f" word. Have you not seen CB's v-blog about it. Go fucking watch it.

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  6. I knew #7 was going to set off fireworks...

    You two are hilarious, married or not. I think it would make a good reality show to just throw the both of you in a house and let the cameras roll.

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  7. @ Stacie yeah it would be a messed up episode if that ever happened.

    @ Gnetch that is truly a scary fucking thought....like the original exorcist fucking scary.......the you being the duaghter part, the rest is a little spooky :)

    @ CB I am totally fucking cool enough for Jerry Springer...perhaps too fucking cool for that show. As for world domination that's my job, but you are welcome to help. Once I take over there will be plenty of work for you as my personel janitor :)

    @ The Random Blogette I totally used that word, and yes I did see CB's v-blog on that subject beforehand........what can I say....I'm an evil fucker MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH........I mean tee hee.

    @ Bluzdude thanks we do our best. I think you could be onto something with the reality show, we just have to make sure that all the flamible objects are removed from the house beforehand so CB dosen't burn down the kitchen trying to make a salad.

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  8. Jayme- Thanks hoe! God, he's such an ass!

    Bluz- Yes, he WILL pay for that!

    Wolf- HA! Janitor... You'd be Gnetch and my bitch when WE take over!

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  9. CB you couldn't take over a pop tart let alone the world, I'm the one with all the training and know how. Tell you what when I take over you can be my minister of propaganda......... Gnetch can be the janitor :)

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  10. @CB Trust me. Marriage? It would never work with you two. He would tell everyone you smell like cabbage. Which, actually, I've heard that before. Hmmm.

    @The Wolf Trust me. Marriage? It would never work between the two of you. She would cut your junk off in your sleep (just because you ask her nicely to clean the kitchen once a year) and hang it on the Christmas tree.

    Great vicious, humorous banter. Funny post.

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  11. Wolf- Well I got no fucking idea what a minister of propaganda would do... But it sounds way better than janitor! AND GNETCH WOULD NEVER be a janitor asshole!

    Kelly- I'd totally hack it off and display it on the mantle!

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  12. @ CB where's the love.........I offer you a postion of importance and power where you can flaunt you're awsomness to the world, and you want to cut my junk off and display it on a mantle........fuck.

    And to think the postion would come with a lifetime supply of designer shoes, and a brand new sports car, but since you want to hack of my junk, I guess I'll have to give it someone else.....mabye Gnetch perhaps :)

    @ Kelly yeah I don't think it would work out. It would be one of those weddings where were so drunk that at the time it seemed like a great idea. Then we sober up look at each other, then wash ourselves with bleech. Yeah I've heard the cabbage thing before to, not sure who said it though.........oh well what do you do

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  13. Right then, I'm a Canadian from Vancouver doing a bit of fucking around in England. So being in England, you fuckers can call me 'arsehole'.
    See you later eh. You fucking hosers ...

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  14. Wolf- UNLIMITED SHOES????? I recede my previous comment about your junk. I heart your face always and forever. Will you marry me?

    Bray- Oh please!

    Klahanie- What the fuck is a 'hoser'?

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  15. CB I'm Canadian and I don't fully understand what a "hoser" is, it's kinda like fucker, me thinks.

    HA I knew it I mention shoes and you get all slobbery............fine you can be minister of propaganda after all. As for marriage.......FUCK THAT I fell for that once and now I'm a poor broken wreck of a man who wakes up every night screaming in terror.

    @ Bray like CB said "Oh please!"

    @ Klahnie jolly ole England eh very good ole bean. I suppose you in you're merryment of fuckery you are taking in the specticles of the British Empire. Perhaps some tea with the Queen ole sport, followed by some buggery and biscuits. Do be a chap and give her a right good roggering. Jolly good.

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  16. I swear I'm seeing this in 3D! The red is popping out! OMG, it's just fucking with my eyes!

    So we won't be seeing you on Dr. Phil either?

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  17. Reener- Like we need therapy.... We are as normal as normal can be!

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  18. Normal......meh fuck that the voices in m head keep me company

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  19. Dude!!! Do something about the fucking Nickleback will ya!

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  20. @ Lookitsbray Dude!!!!!!!!! Don't be such a fucking pussy, suck it up and soldier on. If CB wants to listen to sheep being ass raped while in a wood chipper...I mean Nickelback that's her fucking perogitive. Besides I saw her recent video blog it's like 5 seconds, so suck it the fuck up princess.

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  21. Bray- Yeah! What he said damnit!!!

    Besides you shouldn't have even given a fuck about the song... You should have been STUNNED by my beauty!

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  22. Wolf #4 and CB #7 both about killed me! I'm thinking to hell with marriage, we need to get you spot on WWF pay per view and profit from this shit!!

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